i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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