We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
