Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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