i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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