Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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