We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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