Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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