I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
