i may or may not be watching the land before time
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
