i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
