i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
