My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
