So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
