We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
