insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
