I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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