my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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