So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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