What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
