My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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