i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
