Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
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i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
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I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.