I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla