Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
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She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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