She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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