Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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