having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
