every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
