Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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