Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
