I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
