and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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