I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
