A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
