Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There's always time for handjobs
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
