i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
