i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
