never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
