I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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