You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
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Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
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ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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