well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
