Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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