The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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