as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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