I just threw up on my dentist
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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