...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
