ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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