Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
