I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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