oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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