how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have feelings that need drinking.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
