This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
