anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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