i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
