We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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