i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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