Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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