and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
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Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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