i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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